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The Bad Guy/Transcript

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(Opens showing a cluster of broken space asteroids, zoom in to reveal Wander and Sylvia falling)
Sylvia: You don't have to say it, shortcuts through asteroid fields: not the best idea.
Wander: (reaches into his hat getting his bottle of orbble juice) We'll be fine! (blows an orbble around them) Long as we don't run out of – (a broken asteroid pops the orbble, he shakes his wand) Orbble juice.
(They scream, Sylvia lands on the ground of a planet)
Sylvia: Ah-ha! (Wander slides off her neck and lands on his feet) Oh-ho-ho!
(Wander shakes the bottle, even looking in it. There is no orbble juice left)
Sylvia: Are we completely dry?
Wander: But don't worry, look, there's a nice little town over there!
(Point of view shot from Wander, we see a town that looks somewhat like a junkyard. To the left is a giant rock with a sign reading "Doomstone", below says "Population: Get out!!")
Doomstone
Wander: (struts toward the town) I bet they can rustle us up some orbble juice, I'm'a go ask em' for help. (Sylvia takes him away with her tail)
Yeah
Sylvia: Wander, don't you know where we are? This is Doomstone, refuge for the meanest, nastiest outlaws in the galaxy. You can't just – walk in there asking for orbble juice, they'll tear you apart!
Wander: What if I ask real nice?
Sylvia: No! No, no, no, no. If we're gonna go in there, you gotta do the opposite of that. You gotta act tough. Nasty. Mean! You gotta act like a bad guy!
Wander: Bad guy? (reaches into his hat and puts on a black mustache) Got it! No problem! (slouches around) RRRRAWWWW! NURRRRRR! UUUUUEEEHHHH! ARRRRRRRR! (tweaks his mustache as the episode's title appears, freeze-frame) GRRRRRR! LLLLAAAAAAA! UH-GRRRRRR! (stomps off)
Sylvia: (overlapping) Is that...is there some dinosaur in there?
Wander: (offscreen) Little bit.
Sylvia: Ohhhhh, we're doomed.

(Cut to the Doomstone saloon)
Doom
(Inside, a myriad of bad guys are enjoying beverges and being as mean as can be, as a piano plays in the background and we hear glass break. Suddenly, Wander and Sylvia's shadows appear in the light on the bottom, the actions and music stop, everyone turns towards them. Pause)
Wander: RRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEHHHH!!!
(Pause, the actions and music resume. Sylvia walks off)
Wander: (stomps forward) ERRRRR! (Sylvia takes him and puts him on a stool)
Sylvia: (sighs) Okay, I'm gonna go see the owner about hookin' us up with the juice. Just remember, RRRRRRR!
Wander: RRRRRRR! (as Sylvia exits) RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (lounges and shakes his legs up and down)
(A bad guy walks up behind him, Wander looks up at him)
Bad Guy: (Southern accent) You're in my seat, little man.
Wander: Why, I'm sorry, I – (lowers voice) I mean, get' chur own! (gurgles, spits on his boot)
(The bad guys gasp, Badlands Dan growls)
Bad Guy: Do you know who I am?
Wander: (presses his face against his) Do YOU know who I am?!
Bad Guy: (stands up, making Wander fall) I'm a wanted man. (rips his wanted poster off the wall, breaking off some wall in the process) Ten million credit reward for the capture of Badlands Dan, meanest man in the whole, durned land!
(Wander rips off some of Badlands Dan's fur and draws a wanted poster of himself on it, minus the mustache)
Wander: I'm a wanted man! Ten million and ONE credit reward for the capture of Wild Wooly Wander, wickedest wan in the whole, wurned wand! (pause, draws mustache on wanted poster, both growl at each other)

(Cut to the bar, Sylvia is talking to the Two-headed Alien Bartender)
Sylvia: So, any idea where a...perpetrator of generally unpleasant things like myself can buy some...um...orbble juice?
Apple Head: Well, I don't have any...but...uhhhhh...
(Sylvia gets out a bag of crystals and sighs, she gives the bartender one of them)
Apple Head: There is...someone who...might have...
(Sylvia gives him her entire bag of crystals and he feeds them to the lemon head)
Apple Head: His name is Papa Doom. Here's his address and directions to his place, enjoy. (gives her a chewed up wrap)
Sylvia: (sticks tongue out in disgust) So, what's the catch? There is a catch, right?
Lemon Head: Papa Doom's the meanest, nastiest crime lord on Doomstone! (laughs psychotically, the apple head puts his hand over his mouth, he bites it) You ain't tough enough. He's gonna blast you into atoms and keep the crystals himself! (laughs psychotically again)
Apple Head: (puts his hand over the lemon head's mouth) But that shouldn't be a problem for you and your partner, right? He seems real tough.
(The lemon head nods)
Sylvia: Tough? (looks over)

(Cut to Wander and Badlands Dan standing before each other as the bad guys watch)
Badlands Dan: Let's take it outside, little man!
Wander: Leeeeet's do it! Let's take it ALL the way outside! Let's take it for a nice walk in the park! You and the rest of these...wimpy wimpersons!
(The bad guys groan, William Wimperson comes by)
William: (Southern accent) The name is William Wimperson, thank you very much!
Wander: (pretends to roll up his "sleeves") NEURRRRRRR! (Sylvia takes him)

(Sylvia runs out of the saloon and drops Wander)
Sylvia: Are you three kinds of crazy? I asked for bad, not death wish! Now, we need to find a way to get these crystals across town, and – (Wander isn't there) Wander? (looks around)
(We hear an engine revving, zoom out to reveal Wander on a floating motorcycle)
Wander: Hop on!
Sylvia: What?! Where did you –
(Sylvia looks back, cut to Sylvia's perspective, we see the Motorhogs)
Oink: HE STOLE MY RIDE!
Sylvia: You stole from those guys?!
Wander: Yeah. (takes mustache off) Should I give it back?
(Sylvia looks and sees Badlands Dan and his gang coming out of the saloon and growling)
Sylvia: (puts Wander's mustache back on) No! (gets on the motorcycle) Go, Wild Wooly Wander! GO!
Wander: RRRAAAAAWWWW! (takes off)
Oink: GET HIM!
(The Motorhogs take off after them)

(Cut to Wander driving the motorcycle past some junk as Sylvia screams. The Motorhogs crash into some junk. Sylvia screams again, then notices something)
Sylvia: WATCH OUT!!!
(Point of view shot from Sylvia as we see a doorway)
Sylvia: Uhhhhhhhhh...
Wander: Watch this.
(He drives through the doorway, three Motorhogs go through but two crash into the wall. Oink growls)
Sylvia: (gasps) Truck full of explosives! TRUCK FULL OF EXPLOSIVES!
(Point of view shot from Sylvia, we see a truck loaded with fireworks and dynamite)
Wander: Good idea.
(Wander revs the engine and the motorcycle speeds up as Sylvia screams. The truck loaders run off and the motorcycle goes up the truck's loading ramp and into the sky. The fire from the motorcycle causes the explosives to set off. The animation shifts to slow motion as the motorcycle flies while the explosives explode behind them. Sylvia screams)
Wander: BEIN' BAAAAAAAAAAD IS RAAAAAAAAAAD!

(The animation returns to normal speed as Wander and Sylvia hit the ground. Sylvia gets off)
Sylvia: You crazy whammer jammer! You – tch, you
(Zoom out to reveal Papa Doom's mansion)
Sylvia: Got us exactly where we needed to be! This must be Papa Doom's joint! Oh, not bad, Wander, not bad at all!
Wander: (takes off mustache) "Oh, not bad, Wander!" So, you're thinkin' we should ask nice this time?
Sylvia: No! No, no, no. We're almost home free. We can't give up the act, now! So, don't be nice! Uh, but you know, don't be koo-koo either. (They walk towards the mansion) Oh! How about you let me do the talking, and you play the strong, silent type? Right? Bad, but quiet. Can you do that?
Wander: CAN I?! (puts on mustache) Shh. (quietly) Raaaaaaaaaawwwwwww. (stomps up to the mansion softly)

(Cut to inside the mansion, everything is dark. Sylvia opens the door and peeks in. Wander quietly stomps in)
Sylvia: What kind of evil crime lord leaves his front door unlocked?
(The door closes itself, making the background pitch black.
Off-Screen Voice: (Southern accent) The kind who knows there's nobody stupid enough to walk through.
(The lights go on, zoom out to reveal Papa Doom's throne room. Papa Doom is sitting on his throne, his gargoyle assistants standing by him)
Sylvia: I uh, (takes out another bag of crystals) I hear you have some orbble transporter juice for sale. Me and my partner here need to get off this rock to continue our life of bad and unsavory behavior.
(Wander nods)
Papa Doom: I have a better idea. I take your money, I don't give you any orbble juice, and my friends here crush you into floor wax. (snaps fingers)
(Two gargoyles fly down from their columns and land between Wander and Sylvia)
Wander: NNNNEEERRRRRRR! RRRRRRRRRRR!
(Sylvia drags Wander with her, but bumps into another gargoyle, Lunker)
Lunker: (hisses) What's the matter, twerp? Ain't ya scared?
Wander: NEEEEEERRRRRRRR!
(Lunker growls with him and raises his fist)
Gargoyle: Hold on! This is that guy I heard about! The guy who stood up to Badlands Dan! Who wrecked the Motorhogs! Boss, this is Wild Wooly Wander!
(Wander breathes violently)
Papa Doom: Is that...true?
Wander: (breathes violently, drools and stomach inflates as he does so) YAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW! (continues under)
Papa Doom: Uh–uh–uh I–I–I'm sorry, heh, I didn't know who–who–please forgive me, my associates and–Lunker! Get our nasty friend Wander here a bottle of our finest orbble juice.
Wander: (takes Sylvia's bag of crystals) RUH! EH, EH, RRRRRRRRR! (Lunker gives him a bottle of orbble juice) ER! (he takes the bag, gives Sylvia the bottle) RAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!! (Lunker flies away in fear) GRRRRRRRRRR!
(Lunker hides behind Papa Doom's throne and peeks out)
Sylvia: See? Heh, we're all sensible, but evil folks here! Now, we have our juice, and you have your –
Wander: (overlapping) ERR-RRR-RRR-RRR!!! ERR!
Papa Doom: (offscreen) Bag o' rocks?!
(The bag spills out a bunch of rocks onto Papa Doom's table, Papa Doom and the gargoyles turn to them and stare angrily)
Wander: I switched the bags! Now, we have the crystals, and the juice! (malevolently) PRETTY BAD, HUH?

(Cut to outside, Sylvia runs out carrying Wander, she sets off at top speed)
Papa Doom: AFTER THEM!!!
(The gargoyles fly after them, taking Papa Doom with them. Cut to Wander and Sylvia running down a road with the gargoyles flying over them. Wander uses his new orbble wand to make an orbble around himself and Sylvia, they run away into the air)
Wander: RAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!
(A gargoyle flies by, popping their orbble. They fall to the ground, not before dashing off again)

(They enter an alley, highlighted in purple, only to stop and see the Motorhogs, highligted in orange, running toward them. They run down another alley, but stop to see Badlands Dan and his gang, highlighted in red, stomping up to them. They run down a third alley, but stop and see Papa Doom and the Gargoyles, highlighted in green, land in front of them)
Papa Doom: Game over, furball.
(All three sides stomp up to Wander and Sylvia, cornering them. Wander gets off Sylvia)
Wander: BRING IT ON, FELLAS! I'M WILD WOOLY WANDER! I'M THE TOUGHEST, MEANEST THERE IS! COME ON, I'LL TAKE ALL OF YA ON! RAAAAWWWWWWWW! RAAAAWWWWWWWW! EEERRRRRAAAARRRRAAAAWWWWWWWW!
(while saying this, the sides take out their weapons and close in on them, Sylvia grabs him)
Sylvia: STOP!
(everyone stops)
Wander: EEERRRRRRAAAAA –
(Sylvia takes off Wander's mustache and the lighting goes to normal. Wander stops, and hangs his arms)
Wander: Hoo-hoo-ee! That was some kind of fun! You folks are all real good sports.
(The sides drop their weapons and make confused noises)
Sylvia: Look, we're not bad guys, we were – acting bad to try to blend in. We're just lost travelers who need some help. And we're very sorry for all the trouble we caused. Could ya find it in your hearts to help us out? (she and Wander smile)
(The lighting on the three sides become normal as their hostility begins to melt away. Wander and Sylvia still smile. Then...)
Badlands Dan, Papa Doom, Oink: NO!
(The lighting went back to colors for each side and Wander and Sylvia, all three sides take their weapons out again)
Oink: We don't help strangers!
Papa Doom: And we ain't got hearts!
(Papa doom and the gargoyles get their weapons ready. Badlands Dan and Oink growl, Wander and Sylvia wince and cower in fear. Sylvia then notices nothing's happening)
Sylvia: So, someone's gonna hit us? Right?
(A long, awkward pause as all three sides look at each other's respective members)
Sylvia: Wait a flossin' second, you're all a bunch of fakers, aren't you?! Just like Wander was!
(Wander waves)
Badlands Dan: Well, of all the – you – I – can't believe that – (pauses) Yeaaaaah, you're right. (tosses away his spike bracelet) I never hurt anybody. I heard Doomstone was a tough place, so, I only faked tough to survive.
Oink: Oh, that's super news! I thought I was the only one pretending!
Papa Doom: No! (sobs, mutters)
Yellow Motorhog: Boys, I was fakin', too.
Pink Motorhog: Aww, me, too!
(they hug)
Lunker: Aww, I was so scared of you.
Yellow Motorhog: This isn't even a real tattoo!
(One of Badlands Dan's friends takes a heart sticker off the Motorhog's arm)
One of Badlands Dan's friends: I just want some chamomile tea.
Blue Motorhog: I hate these bikes, they're so dangerous!
William: I was just fakin' it, nice to meet you!
Badlands Dan: I miss my garden.
Sylvia: Well, how about that? (Wander peeks out behind her) Yeah, yeah, you were right, we just had to ask nicely.
(Wander smiles, then disappears)

(Cut to a close up of the Doomstone sign, the yellow Motorhog hammers a banner over it. It says "Congenial Rock", below it says "Population: Friends!". Zoom out as the yellow Motorhog takes the axe out of the rock and tosses it, then takes out a flower, kisses it and puts it in the axe's place. One of the gargoyles looks on, holding a basket of flowers. Cut to Wander and Sylvia with the reformed Papa Doom and his gargoyles)
Papa Doom: (gives them a big bottle of orbble juice) This should be enough juice to get you guys wherever you wanna go.
(Wander takes the bottle)
Oink: (holds a pie) And a little something for the road. (sniffs, sighs, gives the pie to Sylvia)
Badlands Dan: Y'all come back and visit, ya here?
Wander: Why, thank you! (pats his snout) We surely will!
Badlands Dan: Heeheeheeheeheehee, tickles.
(Wander blows an orbble around he and Sylvia, they float away as everyone waves to them. Shift to an overview of the former Doomstone – now Congenial Rock, as Wander and Sylvia float away and everyone says goodbye to them in the background)
Wander: What a nice bunch of funks!
Sylvia: Eh, bunch of softies, if ya ask me.
Badlands Dan: (in the distance) Be good!

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