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The Box/Transcript

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(Opens showing a forest planet. Pans in to an extreme close up of Wander, he smiles and holds his hands up, while wiggling his fingers)
Sylvia: Don't do it, Wander.
Wander: Sylviaaaa...
Sylvia: Don't do it!
Wander: I...can't help it...
Sylvia: Wander!
Wander: I GOTTA KNOW WHAT'S IN THIS BOX!!!
(While saying this, he starts to open a closed white box in front of him. The episode's title appears, freeze-frame. Sylvia slams the lid closed)
Sylvia: No, you don't, Wander. We're gonna deliver that box just like we promised that guy. (Looks over at Snailman the mailman, who waves. There is a truck near him destroyed, on fire and with a print of Sylvia and Wander on them, revealing that they had run into it and we're delivering it in return) It's the least we can do. (Wander starts to open the box again) And we're not gonna open it, (slams it shut) just like we promised! Look, Wander, don't sweat it. It'll go like this: we take a little detour, get the box to Glen, whoever he is, he opens it right there, you go, "Wow, that's amazing!", we get on with our lives, bada bing, bada boom!
(Through all this, Wander bends down at the box closer and closer. He squeals)
Sylvia: You can do this, I believe in you.
Wander: (pauses) You're right, ha! Whatever's in here's probably not all that interesting, anyway, like,(scoffs) blank address labels...

(Dissolve to them trudging under the sunset)
Wander: ...or stickers, or flash cards...

(Dissolve to them in a desert)
Wander: ...or a chocolate spoon or a green eraser...

(Dissolve to them in a jungle)
Wander: ...or a disposable "pilla", or a night vision monocle...

(Dissolve to them back in the desert, it's almost dusk)
Wander: ...or a fake lung or tinsel...

(Dissolve to them around a campfire roasting marshmallows)
Wander: ...or a bat, or a hat, or a bat with a hat, or a hat with a bat!
(Sylvia's marshmallow catches on fire. She gives Wander his banjo)
Sylvia: Here, get 'chur mind off things.
Wander: Oh, great idea, singin' songs always soothes my sorrows. (Stands up and tunes his banjo) Oh...
Box, box, box, box, what's in the box?
Clocks, blocks, rocks, lox, a feller named Jacques?
(Sylvia slams the banjo against the rock behind her, crushing it)
Sylvia: Maybe we should just turn in. (lies down and closes her eyes)
Wander: Ah, even better. (pushes the box aside and takes hat off) Snoozin' a spell always whiles away my worries. (tucks himself into his hat and closes his eyes)
Sylvia: Night, Wander.
Wander: (is wide awake again with his face against the box lid, he waves) Night, Boxia!
(He does not go to sleep and continues staring at the box. Cut to Sylvia sleeping like a rock. Dissolve to morning, we hear the sound of stretching and picking. She winces with every sound. She finally wakes up)
Sylvia: (growls) For grop's sake, keep it –
(Her expression is replaced with shock. Cut to Wander plucking parts of fur off his head, there is a huge pile of fur around him. He is not feeling like himself, his large hair strands are messy and small bags are under his eyes. He whimpers)
Sylvia: You were up all night, weren't 'cha? (Wander nods) Thinkin' about the box? (Wander nods) Oh, we really got to get to Glen's. (Takes the box away from him) And fast.

(Cut to the space train station)
Sylvia: Okay, these space coasters are great. Way faster than the orbble transporter. You wait here, and I'll get the tickets. (leaves)
Wander: Sylvia...I don't think this is such a good idea.
Sylvia: (sighs) Listen, it's – it's probably nothing inside, it's just a – (stammers) a dumb pair of socks. (Chuckles)
(Wander squeals)
Sylvia: Whenever you fell tempted, just say to yourself: Pair. Of. Socks.
Wander: (whispers) Pair of socks.
Sylvia: Perfect! You got this. (Walks backwards, leaving)
(Point of view shot from Wander, we see Sylvia walking backwards while pointing. Two lines of passengers walk by, blocking her out of the scene. Cut back to Wander, his goatee is now all frazzled. He looks at the box)
Wander: Pair of socks. Pair of socks. Pair of socks.
(Point of view shot from Wander again, a slug monster walks by, and a mysterious figure with a black uniform and hat with big hands appears. Wander is having a hallucination)
Wander: Pair of socks. Pair of socks. Pair of socks.
(Point of view shot from Wander again, a pink alligator creature walks by, and the man suddenly appears closer)
Wander: (turning his head slowly) Pair of socks. Pair of socks. Pair of socks.
(Point of view shot from Wander again, a brown turtle like creature rides by on a bicycle, the man appears even closer)
Wander: (terrified) Pair of socks! Pair of socks! Pair of socks!
Mysterious Figure: (deep voice) Give me the box.
(Wander tries to run, but another man stands in his way)
Mysterious Figure 2: No, give me the box.
(They start to grab him, but Wander runs away)
Wander: PAIROFSOCKSPAIROFSOCKSPAIROFSOCKSPAIROFSOCKSPAIROFSOCKS – (rest of speech is gibberish)
(He runs up to a woman, she screams. Wander gasps, then runs up to a man who laughs psychotically and bounces the top of his head around. Wander gasps again, and runs to a child who cries at him. Wander backs up slowly, then looks up to see them men at giant size, reaching their hands toward him)
Mysterious Figures: Give us the box.
(Wander backs away as the hands reach toward him. He screams, then gets grabbed; scene shifts back to reality, the person who grabbed Wander was actually Sylvia)
Sylvia: Wander! Oh, geez, I've been lookin' for you everywhere, you scared the flarf outta me!
(While saying this, she helps Wander sit up. Some of Wander's fur is beginning to stick up, and the bags under his eyes are bigger and darker)
Wander: (hyperventilates) There were these guys, then there was screaming and the laughing and the crying in the night!
Sylvia: (she gets into fighting position) W–Just point 'em out, bud! I'll take 'em down!
Wander: They're right over –
(Wander's perspective, we see regular passengers)
Wander: There?
Sylvia: (Walks Wander onto the space train with her) Hm, come on, pal. You can rest on the train.

(Shift to the space train traveling through the sky. Cut to inside Wander and Sylvia's car; Sylvia is already asleep, but Wander is still wide awake and worn out. Close up of him, his eyes flicker once, then twice, then close as his head drops forward. He instantly wakes up, then eagerly looks at the box. He looks up to notice Sylvia snoring. He waves her hand in front of her face, but nothing happens. He looks at the box, rubs his hands together and slowly starts to open the lid when Sylvia snores loudly and moans. He instantly closes the lid and hides in his hat. Cut to Wander's perspective as he looks over the box at Sylvia. He smiles and looks back at the box; side view of the box in close up as he slowly opens the lid. Wander's eyes bulge at the box, and he gasps)
Wander: Wander? (x7)
(Wander is having another hallucination, we see a recursive effect of him inside the box while holding the same box, and so on. This repeats six more times, before zooming into Wander's eye quickly until the screen is black)

(A trail of socks in neon lights spiral by, followed by a giant pair of them slaming down. Zoom out slowly to reveal Wander as they chase him. One sock kicks him, sending him rolling towards a bat, which hits him. He flies into a wall of bats, which change into a mean troll with bat wings and a hat, and is holding a bat. He growls, and Wander runs off really scared )
Box, box, box, box, what's in the box?
 Might be your clothes or big computer or a brand new pair of socks to wear 
Box, box, box, box, what– 
(Wander runs across a row of boxes, which open releasing a huge piles of hats and bats, both animal and object. One of them becomes a wave which submerges Wander. He tries to swim away, but the wave he's on is being devoured by another box, which happens to be a monster. Point of view shot from Wander of the box as it growls. Cut to an extreme close-up of Wander and zoom in on his eyes as he screams; shift back to a view of the box monster as it swallows the wave with Wander in tow)
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box
Box, box, box, box

(Snap back to reality. Wander wakes up and screams, then hyperventilates)
Sylvia: It's okay, buddy. We're here.

(Cut to outside, we see a regular picket fence with a mailbox reading "GLEN". The space train speeds away, revealing Wander and Sylvia)
Wander: Phew. Thank goodness that's over. Now, I can finally find out what's in this bo –
(He begins to moan which turns into screaming as the camera pans up an increasingly big hill with Glen's house at the top)
Sylvia: (goes through the gate) Final stretch, pal. You can make it.
(Sylvia rushes up the hill at top speed. Wander begins hallucinating again as an aroma wafts out from inside the box)
Wander: (sniffs the aroma) Huh? (sniffs) Cookies? (sniffs) The salty seashore of Tralfar 5? (sniffs) Nana's old timey potpourri? I GOTTA KNOW WHAT'S IN THIS BOX!!! (starts to open the box)
Sylvia: Resist it, Wander. I know you can!
(Wander closes the box and looks away, squeezing his eyes shut and squealing. He suddenly opens one eye and gasps; the box glows red, he is having another hallucination. He blinks, the box's glow turns blue. He blinks again, it turns yellow. He rubs his eyes, and the glow turns purple. He shakes it, and it turns light blue. He shakes it again, it turns pink, then it turns dark green. With every movement from Wander, the glow turns brown, then back to blue again. The background snaps to black as both Wander and the box flash in a rainbow, then in multicolored polka dots, then in multicolored tie dye. Wander squeals; Scene shifts back to normal as Sylvia still continues to run up the hill)
Sylvia: Hang on, buddy!

(Shift to a view of the sun, Sylvia jumps in front of it, then lands. Wander slides off her and up to the doorstep of Glen's house. He holds the box high)
Wander: I didn't open the box.
Sylvia: No you didn't, my friend. No, you didn't.
(Wander happily walks up the steps to Glen's door and knocks on it. A short pause, then Wander notices something on the door and leans closer to it, then squints to study it. Close up of a sign that reads "Gone fishing")
Wander: Gone fishin'?
(Wander's face changes, and he stammers. He screams loud and very long, then starts to open the box. He is even more worse than ever, his hat is now bunched up with a brown patch, and his fur is more wrinkled)
Sylvia: NOOOOOOO!
(Both begin to fight over the box)
Box, box, box, box, something in the box
Box, box, box, box, something in the box
(Wander takes the box and runs up a tree)
Wander: YOU CAN'T BOX ME, BOXIA! I'M GONNA BOX THIS BOX AND THERE IS NOTH- A BOX A BOX CAN BOX BOX!
(Pause)
Sylvia: (sighs) Go ahead. Do it.
Wander: Huh?
Sylvia: Listen. I believe you can overcome this, but it doesn't matter if ya don't believe it yourself. (walks away sadly)
(Wander stares at the box, then walks up to Sylvia and sits with her on the doorstep)
Wander: (puts the box on the step and sighs) I sure hope Glen catches some fish soon.
Sylvia: (noogies Wander's head) Proud of you, buddy.
(The door opens behind them, revealing Glen)
Glen: As am I!
Wander: Ohhhh...
(Wander shimmies up to Glen on his knees, box in hand)
Wander: For you, Glen.
Glen: (takes the box) Thank you, my friend. This is a fine deed you have performed.
(He unzips a zipper from the top of his head, revealing a blinding gold light underneath. Cut to Wander and Sylvia as they shade their eyes, and the view fades to white)

(The white light fades to reveal the Lord of Illumination. It glows gold, warps as it moves, and its suit changes color)
Lord of Illumination: I am a Lord of Illumination. As are they.
(Camera pans over to reveal Snailman the mailman and the two men from Wander's first hallucination from earlier, next to them is Snailman's mail truck on fire. The screen goes white, when it fades, they are revealed to be Lords of Illumination as well)
Wander: Uh-huh. (smiles widely) Sooooo...what'sinthebox?
Lord of Illumination: The box was a test. And Wander, you passed.
Wander: Wow. Thanks, that is amazing. Sowhat'sinthebox? (blinks twice)
Lord of Illumination: (giggles) No. You see, the box was a symbol. Because you did not open it, you have earned strength of character.
Wander: Mm-hmm! But could you show me what'sinthebox? 'Cause it could be so many things, (walks around) like a bat, or a hat, or a bat with a hat, or a hat with a bat, or tinsel or a fake lung or – (continues under)
Sylvia: (furiously walks up to him) This whole thing was a setup. There's nothin' in the box, is there?
(Wander walks by in the background, still talking)
Lord of Illumination: Yes! Yes, you get it. Could you please help me explain?
Wander: ...or pair of socks, or pair of socks, or pair of socks, or pair of socks... (walks away, continues under)
(The effects go back to normal as Sylvia angrily confronts the lord)
Sylvia: Listen, you cosmic creeps! My buddy here doesn't WANT your...greater consciousnesses hullabaloo! What he wants, is to see something, in the BOX! (Close up of her) So, PUT! SOMETHING! IN! THE! BOX!
(On each of the last five words, the camera jumps closer to her face, ending with an extreme close up of her bloodshot eyes. Cut to the lords, which are flabbergasted)
Lord of Illumination: Bu – bu – we are the Lords of Illumination, and I don't think you can talk to us this way. (Sylvia turns his body around, making him cramp, he stammers) Okay, okay, it's cool. It's cool.
(He puts the box on the ground and opens it, revealing nothing. The lords mutter to themselves as we hear things drop into the box. The lead lord holds the closed box before Sylvia, who angrily points at Wander)
Wander: ...flash cards, and stickers or, blank address labels or a pair of socks or pair of socks –
Lord of Illumination: Uh, Wander? (Wander stops) Uh... (the lords' special effects start up again) Behold.
(Wander smiles rather strangely, and the lord slowly opens the box)
Lord of Illumination: Da-da-da
(Cut to inside the box viewed from the bottom as it opens and Wander looks inside. Cut to Wander's perspective, we see a bunch of items the lords put inside. L to R: a piece of string, a red wrapped candy, a penny, and a keychain shaped like a #1 with the saying "World's Greatest Grandpa")
Wander: Oh, will you look at that? (points at each item as he describes it) A piece of string, a hard candy, an old penny, (we now see him fully) and a World's Greatest Grandpa keychain.
(Wander reverts back to his happy clean self)
Wander: (gets on Sylvia) 'Kay, thanks! See you, fellas! (he and Sylvia exit)

(The lord's effects start up again)
Lord of Illumination: Our intent was to teach Wander. Well it seems as though we were the ones in need –
(Zoom out to show Wander and Sylvia already in an orbble and leaving)
Sylvia: Oh, just stop it. (she and Wander leave)
(Pause)
Lord of Illumination 2: (holds the keychain) I didn't know you were a grandpa.
Lord of Illumination: You never ask me about my personal life.

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