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The Lonely Planet/Transcript

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(Opens showing a rather, dark planet surrounded by a grayscale sky. Zoom in on Wander)
Wander: Guhh. There's gotta be somethin' nice to say about this cold, drab, dreary, and empty place. (pauses) Hmm..."Though plain and simple, this cute little planet has tons of potential, with room to grow"!
(Close-up of his feet, a small pink flower grows near his left foot. Widen to frame him)
Flower: (gasps) You really think so?
(Wander is startled. He looks around, and the flower giggles. He smiles; cut to an overview of the planet, glowing)
Planet: You really think I'm...cute? (chuckles)
(Cut to Wander)
Wander: (at the camera) Also, it talks. (to the planet) Hello, planet! (tips hat brim) I'm Wander. What's your name?
Planet: Oh! Um... (Overview) I'm afraid I don't know. (chuckles) I've never needed a name before. (Cut to flower) Though I do believe I've always liked the name "Janet".
Wander: (bends down) Nice to meet you, Planet Janet. (shakes the flower's leaf)
(Overview of Janet)
Janet: Oh, and I'm ever so delighted to meet you, Wander. Oh, please forgive my ghastly appearance; If I knew someone was coming, I would've gussied up a bit! (cut to flower) Though why would I even bother? It's not like I've had any visitors. (flower droops) Ever.
(Zoom out to show Janet, the title appears)

(Cut to Wander)
Wander: Well, that is some sort of shame! Those folks don't know what they're missin'!
Janet: Oh, Wander.
(She giggles, and the flower grows. Widen to frame Wander)
Wander: I'd tell ya, in all our travels, we've never once come across a talkin' planet!
(Close-up on the flower)
Janet: (Scoffs) "We"?
(Zoom out to show Sylvia as she comes up)
Sylvia: Well, buddy, I have been all over this cold, drab, dreary and empty place and all I can say is BOR-ING! Come on, let's get outta here.
Wander: Sylvia! (gestures to one side) Meet Janet!
(Overview of Janet, silence. Back on the two)
Wander: Janet, this is Sylvia, my best pal! There isn't a mountain too high, a valley too low, or a river too wide to keep apart a pair of pals like she and I!
(They hug, overview of Janet)
Janet: (sarcastically) Oh, it's very nice to meet you, Sylvia.
(Back on the two, a cold breeze blows in Sylvia's face, leaving icicles dangling from her mane, tail and head, and her body slightly paled)
Sylvia: Talkin' planet, huh? Crazy. (She shakes the icicles away) Well, nice to meet 'cha, Janice!
(On the end of this, she grabs Wander with her tail and puts him on her back, then starts to leave. Overview of Janet)
Janet: Wander, wait, DON'T GO!

(Janet starts to rumble; back on Wander and Sylvia as the camera pans slowly to the left. A storm cloud rolls in and rains down a huge pack of rain, which turns into an ocean. Pan slowly to the right as the cloud disperses and the sky turns blue. A bunch of trees and bushes grow on the shore next to the water, cut to Wander and Sylvia as they gasp)
Wander: Janet, this is amazing!!
(Wide shot, Wander jumps off Sylvia's snout and leaps into the water. Close-up on him as he swims around)
Wander: Sylvia, come on in! The water's wet!
(Cut to Sylvia, who is uncertain for a moment, then happily leaps forward. Just as she was about to hit the water, it rolls away, revealing a pointy rock beneath, and she slams on it. The water rolls back in, and she stands up while shaking her head. Once again she attempts to jump into the water, but it rolls away and she hits the rock instead. The water rolls back in, and she slides back to the shore. Wander rides by on a wave and jumps down next to her)
Janet: Oh, Wander, I do hope you enjoyed your swim.
(A patch of grass rolls by under their feet, and a mountain rises beneath them. Widen to frame the mountain with another small one to the left of it)
Janet: How ya like to...spin dry?
(On Wander and Sylvia, the former claps, and the ground under his feet shifts upward making him jump into the air and spin rapidly. Cut to Wander as he rolls down the mountain and Janet giggles)
Janet: Wander, that tickles!
(He flies off the smaller mountain, cut to him flying through the air. He hits a cloud, and he floats lazily on it downward. Cut to the ground as he lands and the cloud desperses)
Wander: Come on, Sylvia, just roll with it!
(Cut to Sylvia as she leaps into the air, then zips down the mountain. Overview of it, large, pointy rocks stick up from the mountain's edges. On Sylvia, she bounces across the rocks. In the gap between the mountain and the smaller one, she rolls through a field of cacti, leaving her covered in bruises and sporting a black eye in close-up. Cut to Wander, he seems not to notice. A rock next to him jumps upward and slams into Sylvia. She falls down and lands next to Wander, as she sits up and groans, the rock squishes her. She lifts it out of the way, close-up on Wander)
Wander: (sighs) Janet, I don't know how this day could get any better!
(Overview of Janet, who giggles)
Janet: I do!

(Janet begins to rumble, cut to Wander as a tree rises beneath him. When it reaches the top, the day transitions to sunset. Cut to a view of the setting sun, the landscape now sporting a forest. Close-up of the astounded Wander)
Wander: Sylvia... (stammering) This – now – look – see!
(Cut to Sylvia)
Sylvia: Uh, hey. Soooo, Janet, you think I could get a boost, or somethin'?
Janet: (dryly) Oh, uh, sure. Of course.
(The ground begins to rumble)
Sylvia: I'm comin', Wander! (laughs)
(Only a small bush elevates beneath Sylvia's feet)
Sylvia: Really? (She shimmies up the tree)
(Cut to Wander watching the sunset)
Janet: So, Wander, what do you think? (chuckles)
Wander Janet, I have seen a lot of sunsets in my travels, but yours takes the cake, the icing, and the cherry on top! (smiles brightly)
Janet: Oh, Wander, hearing you say that melts my already molten core! Here, have another!
(The sunset's landscape changes)
Wander: Wow!
Janet: And another!
(Again, the landscape changes)
Wander: Amazing!
Janet: And another!
(Landscape changes)
Wander: Incredible!
(Landscape changes, Sylvia sticks her head out of the tree. The landscape changes to the gloomy sky from earlier)
Wander: Woooo, Sylvia! Have you ever seen anything like it?!
Sylvia: (deadpan) No. No, I haven't.
(The tree lowers into the ground, Wander sees the bush from earlier)
Wander: Ooh, Sylvia, watch out for that bush. I think it's poison jivey. (walks over the bush and leaves)
Sylvia: (at the camera) Of course, it is. (Her tail swells up and turns pink)

(Cut to a night sky, panning down to Wander and Sylvia by a campfire. Close-up on Wander, panning left to Sylvia, back covered in pink spots. She scratches it; wide shot of them)
Janet: Oh, Wander, I can't tell you how simply wonderful it's been to have you here. You make me feel like a newly formed celestial body! Today was like by Big Bang all over again!
Wander: Aww, thanks, Janet! We had fun today, too. Right, Sylvia?
Sylvia: Oh, is – is "fun" the word we're settling on here? (scratches back)
Janet: You know, the fun doesn't have to end. You could...stay.
(This brings excitement to Wander's face, but shock to Sylvia's)
Wander: That's a great idea! We'll stay –
Sylvia: Tonight! (acting) We'll...stay tonight. And then tomorrow, we really have to go.
(She finishes her sentence with a blank expression on her face while her eyes flick back and forth. Wide shot)
Janet: Well. That settles that then.
(A strong wind blows out the fire all over Sylvia, leaving her face covered in smoke and her eyes burning red. She coughs)
Janet: Thank you for giving me the greatest day of my life, Wander.
Wander: And don't forget Sylvia.
(Overview of Janet)
Janet: (lowly) Oh...I won't.
(Snap to an area of the forest where Wander and Sylvia's shadows are seen. Close-up on them sleeping, the ground rumbles, causing Wander to slide off Sylvia's back. In close-up, a mountain rises between them, and they slide away on either side. Fade to black)

(Fade up immediately on Sylvia, it is the next morning. She sits up and yawns)
Sylvia: Mornin', Wander. Whaddya say we hit the – (gasps in horror)
(Widen to show the mountain)
Janet: Morning, Sylvia!
Sylvia: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH WANDER?!
Janet: Oh, Wander's fine. He's right where you left him – give or take a mountain.
Sylvia: (pointing) Listen, you oversized chunk of carbon! There isn't a mountain too high, a valley too low, or a river too wide to keep apart a pair of pals like Wander and I! (starts climbing the mountain)
Janet: What a strangely specific challenge. (landscape rumbles) I ACCEPT! (side view of Sylvia) Oh, let's see...mountain high...
(Pull out to an overview of Janet, the mountain expands in size, causing Sylvia to fly into the air. Cut to her)
Janet: Valley low...
(Cut to the ground as a crack opens outward. Sylvia falls into it)
Janet: What's next? Oh, yes... (Cut to Sylvia inside the crack) GOODBYE, SYLVIA!
(A giant river starts flowing, Sylvia screams and rushes off. After the water fills the screen, cut to Sylvia being carried away in the river. Overview of Janet as she stops rumbling)

(Cut to Wander, sleeping in a peaceful glen)
Janet: Good morning, my wonderful Wander.
(He opens his eyes and slides out of his hat, before putting it on. He yawns)
Wander: Mornin', Janet. Where's Sylvia?
Janet: Oh, she went for a climb. And then a hike. And then a swim. (a mushroom rises under Wander, singsong) Who wants brekkies?
(Wander squeals muffled, and the mushroom drags him out of the picture. Cut to a table, here sits a bowl of fruit and a plate of pancakes. Next to it stand various vines, Wander scoots up on the mushroom)
Wander: Pancakes! (A tree branch pours syrup on them) Well, aren't you the hostess with the mostest.
Janet: All for my guest whom I love the best!
(She giggles, and the vines begin feeding Wander the pancakes)
Wander: (mouth full) I can't wait for Sylvia to get back! (chomp) If there's one thing I know about Sylvia, it's that exercise makes her huuuungry! (chomp) If there's two things I know about Sylvia, it's that she loooves havin' her snout scratched! (chomp) If there's three things I know about Sylvia –
(The vines twitch on each mention of the word "Sylvia"; one shoves one more pancake into Wander's mouth)
Janet: ENOUGH!!! There will be...enough for Sylvia when she gets back. Now, how 'bout dessert?
(The vines pat Wander on the head on the end of this, and Wander swallows. They take the pancakes away and replaces them with a pie, Wander gasps)
Wander: Y'all have pie after breakfast? (eats a slice)
Janet: Wander, my darling, as long as you stay here, you can have whatever you want.
(While saying this, the vines get close to Wander and wrap around him slightly. Wander laughs)

(Cut to an ocean, Sylvia emerges, wet and tired)
Sylvia: Okay, that was – (falls down) That was almost too wide. (Close-up) Almost.

(Back to Wander, who sighs and turns around, body now very obese)
Wander: That was delec-ticious.
Janet: A combination of "delectable" and "delicious"? (Wander nods) Oh-ho! I knew it! (giggles, the vines tickle Wander) We know each other so well! (giggles)
Wander: I haven't had a meal that good since we camped out on Binglebop and Sylvia made waffles. Speaking of Sylvia, I need to walk off this breakfast belly.
(The vines twitch at the mention of Sylvia's name. He bangs on his belly and jumps off the mushroom, then walks away while the camera follows)
Wander: Maybe I'll go take a hike, see if I can't find her!
(A rock rises before him, and he slams into it. Wander backs up, belly now normal sized)
Janet: Go? (she giggles nervously, the vines wrap around his wrists and lift him) Why would you need to...go anywhere?
(The vines carry him over to a patch of bushes, then let go of him. Close-up, the vines push the bushes apart revealing a small cottage, next to it is a topiary of Wander carrying the gloomy version of Janet with the flower on top. Close-up on Wander)
Janet: D-do you like it?
(During this line, cut to the topiary and zoom out, rotating slowly. Cut to a mailbox reading "Wander and Janet!", which opens to reveal letters in it)
Janet: Y-you like it, don't you?
(Cut to the door of the cottage and pan downwards to a welcome mat, reading "Welcome Wander" and below it reads "And only Wander!!")
Janet: Tell me you like it! Please!!
(On the end of this, cut to a speechless, semi-uncomfortable Wander, who rubs his arm nervously. The next line snaps him into shock)
Sylvia: (in the distance) WAAAAAANDEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
(Zoom out a bit, Sylvia is behind Wander)
Wander: Sylvia? (Janet gasps at the same time)
(Just as Wander turns around, a tree rises under Sylvia, sending her upward)
Janet: Just...one...second, Wubsy. I'll be right with you. (giggles nervously)

(Quick pan to Sylvia, who lands on the ground)
Janet: I GAVE YOU THE CHANCE TO LEAVE IN ONE PIECE! (Sylvia stands up and shakes her head) BUT YOU JUST WUV YOUR WIDDLE WANDER, HUH?! WELL, NOW...THIS! IS! HAPPENING!!!
(On each of the last three words, giant stalagmites rise out of the ground in time, and Sylvia runs away. The third one fills the screen until it fades to black, snap up on a wide shot of Sylvia running away from the stalagmites as they rise out. A crack begins following her in close-up, and it manages to stretch under her feet. She falls into it, overview of Janet as Sylvia follows into the giant crack that appears to be a mouth, and she "swallows" her and turns upright)
Janet: So long, Sylvia! It was so nice to eat you! (burps)(green gas comes out of her mouth to show her burp smells bad) Whoop! 'Scuse me! (chuckles)

(Cut to the outside of the cottage and shift to inside, the walls showing various pictures of Wander as the camera cuts from one wall to another. The third has a shrine of Wander's head with candles surrounding it. Overview of the cottage, Wander is sitting on a chair under the throne. Close-up, vines are tied around his wrists)
Wander: (nervously, sweating) Uh, Janet, you are a lovely planet, you really are, but...Sylvia and I should probably be on our way.
(Right on cue, he is yanked by the vines as the camera zooms out slowly. They lower him, ground level as he hits the floor. Overview of him, the vines reach toward him)
Janet: SYLVIA, SYLVIA, SYLVIA!!
(Wander shrieks; the vines nail into the ground around him. His perspective, a giant root rises out of the ground and produces a topiary of Sylvia next to it)
Janet: YOU KNOW WHAT SYLVIA DID?! SHE LEFT!!!
(On the last word, one of the root's leaf stems slices the head off. Cut to Wander, tied in the vines as that falls down next to him. Close-up of him, the vines tighten around him)
Wander: She – would never!
(Back to the root)
Janet: YES! SHE LEFT YOU HERE! AND NOW, IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, WANDER!
(While saying this, the camera zooms out to frame Wander as two of the vines grow over him in shape of a heart. Cut to the wall and pan upwards as a bulb rises and blooms into an enormous, pink man-eating plant)
Janet: UNTIL THE END...OF...TIME!!!
(The plant advances toward the horrified Wander and purses its lips. Zoom in on Wander in steps as he struggles to avert it. The ground rumbles, causing all the action to stop. Wide shot, a hole digs out of the ground; silhouette view as Sylvia bursts upward and punches the plant, the view fades to white)
(Snap immediately to the action in slow motion, the vines release Wander in close-up)
Wander: Sylvia!
(Ground level, Sylvia catches Wander as the plant wilts to the floor. Close-up of the two)
Sylvia: There isn't a chasm deep enough! (to Wander) Come on, Wander, let's orb!

(Shift to a ground level of Janet, now back in her gloomy state. Wander and Sylvia rush by in an orbble. Zoom out to show Janet in full)
Janet: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH MY WANDY-WUBSY-WOO-WOO!!!
(She rumbles, and the camera widens a bit as she begins to spin and transforms into a molten lava planet. Close-up, the orbble begins getting dragged towards it)
Wander: She's trapping us in her orbit!
(A trio of volcanoes rise out of the planet in close-up, and they erupt. Overview of the planet, a giant bubble of lava flies up toward them as the camera follows. Cut to Wander and Sylvia, camera changing angles as they try to escape, ending in close-up)
Sylvia: If getting lava-balled by a jealous planet is how we go out, buddy, well...I'm just glad we're doin' it together.
Wander: I couldn't agree more. I love ya, Sylvia!
Sylvia: You too, Wander, you too!
(They hug tightly on the end of this. Shift to the lava bubble as it reaches Wander and Sylvia, lava trailing it, then the lava washes away to reveal a red meteorite beneath. It stops suddenly and steams; Back to Janet as she stops spinning. In close-up, the volcanoes stop flowing and sink into the ground. Storm clouds roll over, and they rain as Janet sobs. Shift to an overview and zoom in on the cringing Wander and Sylvia, who realize nothing is happening)
Wander: What happened?
Sylvia: Who the GROP cares?! Let's get outta here!!!
(Zoom out on the end of this, she begins to takes off. Brief overview of the sobbing Janet as Wander and Sylvia leave; Close-up on Wander. Pause)
Wander: We gotta go back.
Sylvia: WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY, TOO!?
(She turns around to notice Wander's quivering face, frowns deeply and growls)

(Back to Janet, the meteorite starts turning lazily around her and gradually turns white. Ground level, Wander and Sylvia float their orbble down and it pops)
Wander: Hey, Janet.
(Close-up between their feet, the pink flower from earlier grows)
Janet: He-ey. (flower droops) Sorry I got a little weird.
(Widen to frame Wander)
Wander: What?! Noooooooo! (blows raspberry)
(Wide shot of them)
Janet: I was wrong to try and force you to love me. All I ever wanted was a friendship like you and Sylvia have. (Wander and Sylvia look at each other, overview of her) But...I guess that's not in the stars for me.
(Back to Wander and Sylvia)
French Voice: Hello!
(Above them, the evolved meteorite rises above them. Widen to frame it's changed into a moon with a mustache)
Moon: I am Maurice, your moon.
(On the flower, which blooms and twinkles)
Janet: (amused) Oh...charmed. (giggles)
(Cut to Maurice)
Maurice: I don't mean to be forward, but I find myself... very attracted to you –
Janet: Oh, you! (giggles)
(Close-up on Maurice)
Maurice: You, Janet, are my world.
(Pull out to frame Wander and Sylvia)
Wander: (whispering) Should we say goodbye?
Sylvia: No, let's...let 'em have their space.
(Overview of Janet, she begins sprouting flowers and plants all around)
Maurice: Oh, Janet, your southern hemisphere is so curvilinear!
(Pull out a bit as Wander and Sylvia leave in an orbble)
Janet: (gasps) Oh! You keep talking like you're gonna melt my polar ice caps. (chuckles)
(Snap to black)

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